Best of Classroom Chronicles: Baltimore

While I was teaching in Baltimore, I kept a little notebook where I recorded all of the things I found hilarious on a daily basis (and I read them in those moments where I needed a laugh and a reminder that teaching pays my bills). Middle schoolers are funny, even when they aren’t trying to be. They are the most unfiltered humans imaginable.  Some are already on the blog, but, to be honest, I loathed so many things about my job for a while I didn’t want to think about it when I left work. However, some of these are too funny to not share.

So, here’s the best of Classroom Chronicles: Baltimore! (all names have been changed)

Me: *minding my business, straightening desks after a long weekend*

Chaz: *runs into my classroom, sees me, stops, and stares blankly at me*

Me: Good morning, Chaz

Chaz: Did you have a bad weekend?

Me: No, why?

Chaz: ‘cause, no offense, but yo hair looks like you did

Teacher Referral (not mine):

Jay walked in to ask me a question and Sean yelled “she ain’t got no nipples!”

Me: *sitting in hallway during planning, overhear a class disruption*

Ms. Bailey: Ricky I need you to leave my room. NOW!

Ricky: I don’t wanna be in here anyway big body long titty a** b**ch!

Me: *to administrator* It’s 87 degrees in my classroom at 10am, there are 33 bodies in my classroom, and the windows are bolted shut. This is getting to be unbearable. 

Administrator: I can have operations bring you guys popsicles to help ease the discomfort.

Simone: We don’t want no freakin’ popsicles! Fix the air or let us go home!

Me: *minding my business, eating my nonperishable lunch in teachers’ lounge*

Mr. Thompson: *walks to refrigerator, grabs bagged lunch, opens bag, and screams in disgust* A mouse ate through my lunch bag! It ate through the plastic!

Me: It was in the refrigerator the whole time?

Mr. Thompson: Yeah! 

Me: So...there are mice in the fridge...

Mr. Thompson: I hate this sh*t hole!

Simone: Ms. Williams, you should have a baby so I can babysit.

Me: No, thanks.

Jerell: She don’t want you around her kids!

Simone: Shut up before I punch you in the throat!

Me: Guys, relax. 

Jerell: See! She crazy, Ms. Williams!

Simone: Ms. Williams, I would never tell your baby that!

Kayla: Ms. Williams! Will you tell Simone to stop spraying us with water?!

Simone: But I’m helping the school! It’s my Hoe-Be-Gone spray! 

Me: *stares in disbelief* Simone—

Kayla: I ain’t no hoe!

Simone: *holds bottle up and mists the room*